Laura's blog o' Rama

Why I am smarter than you; by Kyle Killian

2006-03-22T02:58:00.000-08:00

If there's one question I get all the time it's "Why can't I be as smart as you?"
This is a good question, for which I have a brilliant answer.
I am extremely smart.
Some people refer to this as being "gifted." This term is misleading. It implies that intelligence was handed to me like a present in a box that, upon shaking, feels like it might be a video game or the keys to a vehicle with a "thumping" sound system, but that, upon opening, is just a sweater with an embroidered pussycat on it that gets you beaten up when you wear it to school three days in a row. But my genius is not a gift, nor does it spring from textbooks or manuals or the ramblings of my so-called teachers, professors, and parole officers. My brilliance is a tree that grows in the fertile soil of experience, and extends 74 miles into space, where it catches passing satellites, which not only hang from its beautiful branches like multimillion-dollar Christmas ornaments but also impart to my brilliant tree all of their satellite knowledge. This is how I know the license-plate and Social Security numbers of so many young and attractive celebrities, and it's the only reason, despite court orders that may say different. It's also why you get such great cell-phone reception in my presence.
In short, unless your brain is a 74-mile-tall tree that catches satellites, that's the first reason you can't be as smart as me.
Second, I know the answer to every question that has ever been asked and that can ever be asked. Each and every answer is written on a sort of cheat sheet that I keep folded up under my watchband (which may sound like cheating, but it's not, because I memorized all the answers when I wrote them down, so I don't ever actually look at the sheet—I just like knowing it's there). You may ask (and I knew you would, because it's on my sheet) how it could be possible to get such a wealth of information onto a piece of paper that could be folded up and put inconspicuously under my watchband. The answer is lasers. ("Lasers" is also the answer to almost all the other questions that have ever been asked or could ever be asked, so if you less intelligent folks find yourselves facing a tough question, try just answering, "Lasers.") But these are not ordinary lasers. They're special lasers that I invented, potty-trained, and put through school. And they write their information in a typeface that I also invented, which can only be deciphered by a person like myself, a person whose IQ is an infinity symbol.
To summarize, unless you can read the infinity-IQ typeface written by special homeschooled lasers and happen to have made a cheat sheet containing all the answers to all questions, that's the second reason you can't be as smart as me.
There are 847 more reasons why you can't be as smart as me, but our time is short, and, really, is there any point in dwelling on that which you can't change? (The answer is no. But if you said "Lasers," you were close.) If you would like more information on your inability to be as smart as me, send a bottle of Jim Beam, a pair of binoculars, and a self-addressed stamped envelope to: "Smartest Man in the Universe." You don't need to write anything else. They'll find me. The law always does. Reason No. 8 involves sticky buns, and Reason No. 612 details my nightly aluminum-foil mummification ritual. They're all good reading and well worth your investment in time, bourbon, binoculars, and stamps.
To conclude, there are many reasons you can't be as smart as me, but my hope is that when you see giant trees extending into space you'll think of me and my mind, and be inspired to leap into the branches of those trees and begin to climb, reaching ever higher, until you grow too tired and hungry to continue and eventually fall and wonder why you even tried to ascend to the heights of my genius.
If I could say one final thing to each and every one of you, it would simply be this:
Lasers.

It all falls apart

2006-03-02T11:20:00.000-08:00

Its that feeling, right before the fall

2006-02-28T11:48:00.000-08:00

before gravity takes over. for a minute you fly. there is an annoying boy child beside me. I want to stab him with a pencil. stupid laws

The world won't stop spinning

2006-01-22T16:03:00.000-08:00

So you can either hand on or let go. I'm going to Europe. I got off academic probation, a fate that nobody but my parents knew about, but I am no longer attending St. Kate's. A brief sabbatical, for at least a semester. A semester in which I will be going to Europe! Freaking Europe. Copenhagen, Amsterdam, Prague, Venice, Paris! I'm going to Europe. I have to live with the 'rents for a while, but it's a small price to pay for Europe.

2006-01-02T15:19:00.001-08:00

So, i'm flunking out of college. you know what, that is the very first time I said or wrote those words. I have nowhere else to go. I don't know how to do anything. My hands are shaking. Makes it hard to type so I'll stop. Where am I going to go? What do you think of me in the navy?

techie daydreams

2005-12-10T18:24:00.000-08:00

So, I finally joined facebook, and set up and AIM account (atomicsasquatch). I'm feeling like quite the tecnophile. Only that is such a laughable concept, you have no idea. If sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic, then I have no way to prove which is magic and which is technology. Therefore, I have concluded that my computer operates via magic. And since its a second hand dell, I'm pretty sure there are evil forces within my computer. I'm going to go with gnomes, because I blame most things on gnomes. I really ought to be cleaning my dorm room, and scrounging up a few dollars to do laundry with, but I would rather sit at my computer listening to rockabilly. Wouldn't you, gentle reader?

That same old feeling...

2005-12-08T18:32:00.000-08:00

My chest feels too tight. My eyes are straining whilst I am asleep. I am weary of waking, and weary of taking the same old food. Its that lovely feeling again, dear reader. My poor old gypsy heart. I'm not meant to be here. So where is my head supposed to lie? I need a weather in the 60-70's range, a little water, and some wild things. Can't wait to find it. It ought to be grand, don't you think. I'm all done with classes anyway, and I have two finals and a paper to write. One itty-bitty speech (3-5 minutes) and a twenty line poem to memorize. "The years will rally, wreathing/ their crazy tarantelle/ and you must go on breathing/but I'll be safe in hell. " Oh, how I love Dorthory Parker. Ain't she grand, gentle reader. That is all for this evening. Sleep thee well, oh gentle reader. Tomorrow, I will be watching Narnia with two very good friends. Could life be anymore bittersweet?

Fruits basket pairing: otaku bliss

2005-12-05T00:27:00.000-08:00

Kyo should get tohru. He needs her more, and he loves her for being tohru. yuki loves her for being a friend, or a substitute mom. Yuki and Machi should get together because that would be adorable. Kureno and uo-chan need to get together for the good of the universe, just like Dr.-sensei and Maya-chan. Haru and Rin need to get together. And Akito and a swift kick to the head need to get together pronto, because the little god-chan is annoying. If you, gentle reader don't know what I'm talking about, then you are sad. Google some of these names. Oh. I'm keeping Momiji all to myself. Sexy, sexy bunny.

Breakfast and VH1

2005-11-22T06:05:00.000-08:00

So, I'm watching the new INXS video over Cap'n Crunch, and a question presents itself. Is it lame on its own merit, or is it only tainted by the lameness of the whole "we need a new lead singer. I know! reality show" thing. Aw crap. Scott Strapp. The whole messiah thing is lame and annoying. Shut up, Strapp, you damn, dirty hippy.

2005-11-16T15:30:00.000-08:00

I am at the cusp of something terrible and grand. I am at the edge of the razor, and I don't know what to do. I am lost in some terrible darkness, some choking fog. Is this all there will ever be for me? I have been stumbling, groping for some light or joy my entire life. What if this is all there ever is? What if this is all there will ever be?

My brother, the jackass

2005-11-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

So, my brother gave me a ride home, and very long story short, he was a jackass. Sometimes, I just cannot understand the boy. He turns 21, and he acts 12. He is sometimes my favorite person, my very best friend. Then he's a total douche. Sometimes, he's St. George, but he has a unfortunate habit of turning into the dragon at inopportune moments.

I am not tired

2005-11-09T22:55:00.000-08:00

I was sick today, so I slept in until 4:30 this afternoon. I have only been up for nine hours. I am not very tire. As a result, I am sitting in the computer lab reading TV scripts and posting. Ah the glamorous life of an insomniac. I did not have the nerve. Maren-chan, I probably won't even be in Grand Rapids at eight. Sniff. So sad, I will not get my Maren-chan fix. But I will see you over thanksgiving. Any who. I'll probably won't post again until I get back from Duluth. Be well till then my children.

I am superfluous as a individual

2005-11-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

So, It's my brother's 21st birthday on the 12th. My mom calls, says, "It would be a shame for you to miss it. We'll get you up here" Next day, same woman. "You know, honey, it just not working out. You won't be coming up" NEXT day, SAME woman. "Well, it looks like you can come up, are you still available?" I could have easily have not been involved during the last three days, and no change. Instead, I've been riding a fun little emotional roller coaster. I'm tempted to call he back and say, "You know? I forgot that I had plans. See you at Thanksgiving." Maybe I will. Check in tomorrow to see if I had the nerve. Oooo intrigue!

This wonderful hollow feeling

2005-11-07T18:35:00.000-08:00

I think I'd shatter if anyone touched me. Not that anyone touches me this day. My roommates stroke my hair, and give me kisses on the top of my head, but nobody touches me, for warmth. I wan that. I want someone to touch me as if I were magnetic. As if they could not help themselves. As if I was the whole of this world. That's not to much to ask, right?

That hazy warmth of home

2005-11-07T18:22:00.000-08:00

Well, The idea (introduced by my mother) of going home this weekend had been shot down (by my mother). It is either too expensive to take the bus, or too time consuming for any one to drive down to pick me up. I heard my dad ask if I was ok as I hung up the phone in order to weep. Guess not, Daddy.

Halloween Masquerade...on November 4th

2005-11-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

So i went my school's halloween masqerade last night. Faced with an incresible burst of non-creativity, I went as a slutty dominatrix fairiy. It was fun. An odd blend of tecno and eighty's pop, the highlight had to be everyone standing in a circle and singing along with Bohemian Rhapsody. It was a small gathering, maybe thirty people, but a lot of fun. Most I've had in a while.

tsubasa corazon

2005-10-28T18:11:00.000-07:00

So, yeah. Life is pretty good. I'm not dying, I got a little money. So why does it all feel so far out of my reach. Its kinda sad, right? When your own life is beyond your reach. Who ever is living this life has a pretty sweet one. I hope she appreciates it.

I don't know why the things I do.

2005-10-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

Here I am, sitting in the computer lab, skipping class for no good reason. I just cannot bear to go. I don't know why. My heart is unraveling, coming apart, and I don't know why. The universe seems so distant these days, and I'm someplace else. I wish I could leave. This place hurts my eyes.

2005-10-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

Its like Antartica, with ugly carpet.

2005-10-20T10:21:00.000-07:00

My wonderful, lovely college has turned off the hot water in my dorm. This is a mistake. This is an all girl school. We will be like cats, doused with this water. We will get angry. We will whet our claws on their bones. If you see a mob on TV, I will likely be leading it. Brrr. Its October! In Minnesota! This is madness! I get to go home today. I'm very excited. Love you all, but especially maren. Maren-chan! Are you reading this?

my lumberjack

2005-10-10T18:35:00.000-07:00

So, life has been very strange to me as off late. I am on that razor sharp line between choking sorrow and cutting joy. They both seem so horrible that it is all I can do to hover between them. I guess I'm just a little lonely. My roommates have a joke that I'll one day marry a lumberjack, because I have all these odd requirements for my future husband. 1. He must be driven wild at the sight of flannel p.j.'s and 2. He must know what birling is. They say the only one who would meet these requirements must be a lumberjack. Well, my lumberjack is very inconsiderate. He certainly is taking his sweet time getting to me. And, well, frankly, I'm a little jealous of my roommates. All three of them are so disgustingly happy. And then there is little old me. Sigh.

Hey there chillin'

2005-10-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am, October already. I really must post with more frequency. Anywho, I'm sitting in the computer lab (Beezlebub, my Dell is still a rotten sunabictch) and I am waiting for the wonder person who cleans our floor bathroom (I'm a dormer) to finish so I can get all steamy and wet. LMAO. I woke up at eleven today, and I'm in a bathrobe. The life of a college student is great indeed.

Isn't it wonderful?

2005-09-06T07:53:00.000-07:00

Well, the school has sorta begun. I'm on my own again, thank god. One of my dorm mates has moved in and the other two are coming today. All my crap is approximatly put away. But you know what the glorious thing is? I ain't got to aswer to mygod damn mother, bee-yotch!

sorry for the incognito

2005-04-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

What can i say. Oe the nolvety wore off, I couldn't stand the tedium. But I just saw Kung-fu Hustle, with my future husband, Stephen Chow, And i got to tell you, gentle reader... Okay. Listen. You know in Authurian legend, if Aurthur saw the holy Grail, this is what he would have thought. It wa shte most relegious experiance i have ever seen. The Humor, the action, it was My favorite cartoons from childhood and all the best Kungfu Movies...well, it was their bastard love-child. Perfection. thats all....Prefection. sorry for any (and most likely all) spelling errors.

Lies I told my mother

2005-03-31T14:58:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember, my mother has had this strange power over me. When ever I do or did something wrong, even if I wanted to tell the truth, I couldn't. I would stand in front of her, and these lies would come out. Like I couldn't control them. Its just when ever I have been faced with her disapproval, I would lie. I've never understood that power. My mother is wonderful. I complain about her, I whine and moan about her, but she is terrific. She never hit me or mistreated me. But for whatever reason, I have never been completly honest with her. I just sent her an email fessing up to a huge lie I told. One that I buried myself in. I will tell you, gentle reader, if she manages to forgive me. Right now, I'm, sitting in the computer lab, trying not to cry while I type this. I am not worthy of her forgiveness.

Going home

2005-03-16T09:01:00.000-08:00

So I go to a college. The college that I dreamed of going to. I barely eked in. Under the radar. Sneaky-like. But now that I am here, I am quite hurt to learn that it didn't make it all go away. It didn't make everything alright. It just made things occur in a different locale. This weekend, I'm going home, back to the northwoods, and I will sit around, watch Stargate SG-1, and stare at the snow shrouded ground. Meaning eludes me. All I have ever wanted is to make sense of the things that happen to me. Yet it is always beyond my grasp. One of these mornings, these people who look to me will find me gone. One of these mornings, I'll be far away, racing the receding night

I feel....Odd.

2005-03-14T20:34:00.000-08:00

I feel sort of sweaty, and unstill. I don't know if you, gentle reader, have ever felt unstill. It is a curious feeling that settles over me from time to time. My gypsy heart , I suppose. Every so often, I get the feeling that its time to be moving on. Time to get away. To where no one knows me, much less my name. To where I'm just a face in the crowd. I want to sleep under the wheeling stars, and to walk for the sake of walking. Just start walking and keep going till I hit the ocean, or until I stumble and don't rise again. Which ever comes first. And when ever I feel... unstill, like I am now, I get odd. That's what people say. You seem odd or weird or half a dozen other other words that mean I'm not acting how they expect me to act. And that makes it worse. It makes it so I can feel, like the weight of a mountain bearing down on me all the pressures I have on my shoulders. Its not normal to be happy all the time. To be the clown, the jester. And I wonder, is this my life? To be what ever others expect while inside I scream and fall. One day, I'm going to hit the ground. Hit the ground running, and no one will ever find me. I look to the horizon, and that's where I live. Always on the line between sky and land. Heaven and earth. Grace and solidness. Always walking that neverending tight-rope. One of these day... I'm going to fall. And I won't scream on the way down. I won't weep, or rail, or moan anymore. I'll accept the fall. And you won't find me on the horizon. You'll find me under the wheeling stars, finally free of that mountain.

My friend....Coming to visit?

2005-03-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

Okay. So my friend J_ is coming to visit me. Maybe. Because she maybe is visiting me tomorrow. But I really don't know. I hope is not snowing, then she can't come. That would be very sad. Okay, So I made a quiz and sent it everyone on my mailing list. This includes my brother. One of the questions was about my middle name. MY OWN BROTHER DOESN'T KNOW WHAT MY MIDDLE NAME IS! I know his friggen name. George Joseph. I mean, come on!My own flesh and blood. What a putz!

Edgar Allen Poe is in My sock Drawer.

2005-03-02T20:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, so he's not the real Edgar Allen Poe. He's a little stuffed doll that I bought for my best friend in the world. But he's a smug little bastard, so I shoved him in a drawer. And speaking of drawers, all my socks are dying horrible horrible deaths. What sort of cruel horrible world releases a sock epidemic upon a poor starving college student? There is no justice. Just you remember God! I CAN redefine the term 'divine justice'! Don't think I won't!

All is right in the world!

2005-03-01T19:05:00.000-08:00

Luke and Lorelei got back together. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then that's cool. But if you gaping and kicking yourself (in what is no doubt a shocking exercise in flexibility) It was perfect. She was sitting on the couch, and the door bell rang. Was it sookie? Was it Emily? Who knew. And the door opened and it was Luke, looking all Lukeish and perfect and lost and sorry and GOD. I want a Luke. They kissed, and it was perfect. Lalalalalalaa. That's all I can say. Lalalalalaa. Okay I have to do homework. But it was great. Perfect. God.

Raederle Sterling is a big meanie-head

2005-02-28T18:33:00.000-08:00

she's not really. She is just saying that she will never ever, the universe could come to an end and she wouldn't ever read my blog. And I admit. I got a little defensive. I threatened. I cajoled. I told her of its wonders, but she is obstinate. No force will move her. Well. I'm broke again. Its just now I have no books to sell, nothing of value. I need a job. I'm going out on Thursday. So I have done something bad. I lied to my mother and poorly. Now I must right the situation. I'm not quite sure how, but I'll manage. I am a championship level liar. I'm a black belt. I am so good that my belt is actually an enormous gravity well, sucking in light and matter. And on that cheery note, I leave you. Good night, gentle reader.

Avoiding people while humming the mission impossible theme song

2005-02-28T11:26:00.000-08:00

About two (maybe three months ago) I borrowed a DVD from a girl who lives above me. I have yet to return it. Its not like I want to steal it, that's just what happens. Now there is nothing to do but avoid her until I can figure a way to cowardly return said DVD. In the meantime, I have turned it into a game. Its horrible, I know. I have purloined this poor girls property, and instead of returning it, I am now having fun. But its fun to avoid people. If you hum the mission impossible theme song while you do it, its really swell. Mwahahahahaha! Doo-do-do....DO-DOO!

So its three in the morning....

2005-02-28T01:06:00.000-08:00

So its three in the morning here in Minnesota. I tried, honestly, I tried to go to sleep. But I had all this crap roaming around inside my head. So instead, I went down to the computer lab, and am reading Gilmore Girl scripts. I should mention I live in a dorm, thus allowing for the possibility of there being a computer lab that I might access at three in the morning. So now, I am trying to think of something deep and meaningful to say that would justify my insomnia. Some great earth-shattering thought, idea, or concept that is the reason for me feeling all crummy. I got nothin'.

Zebra Cakes and Coca-Cola.

2005-02-27T19:28:00.000-08:00

Zebra Cakes and Coke are the best midnight snack known to man. Or woman as the case may be. But 'known to man' is much more poetic, so down with feminism! Poetic liberty! Now, as I sit here, high on sugar and caffine, I am also reflecting on the term "Dorkus Malorkus" Did you, gentle reader, ever use this term as a kid? Wasn't it the best insult? But you never hear it anymore. It has fallen into the graveyard of words, populated by the archaic and banal. It has joined the ranks of such words as 'thwart' or 'golly'. Words that are so eternal pointless that to say them is to take on the leprous quality of the words themselves. So I would like to launch a campaign. A campaign to protect endangered words. So use words like 'thwart', 'dorkus malorkus'. Use 'powderpuff' instead of 'compact'. What's more feminine that a powderpuff?Compact makes it sound like you have a sensible car stowed away in your purse. Now, I'm off to read 'Gilmore Girls' scripts. What can I say? I'm a Dorkus Malorkus

Full Metal Alchemist Rocks My Socks

2005-02-26T23:18:00.000-08:00

I just finished another beautiful ep of Full Metal Alchemist, which is on 10pm (central time) on cartoon network. Ah, cartoon network. Thou hast supplied me with a wonderful array of animated goodness. I thank thee! Anyway, So the reason I heart FMA is because, frankly it is a kick ass show. The same way that Princess Bride is a kick ass movie. It has action, deep reflections, the animation is great ( none of that Dragon-Ball Z craptastic-drawn-by-a-strung-out-five-year-old-with-warn-out-crayons look) the characters are complex and funny, there's the dichotomy of complete silliness and the search for what it is that makes a person who they are. Is it their body, or is it their soul.
For those poor ignoramus( ignorami?) who have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, I am talking about my new favorite anime. Some of my others include Cowboy Bebop, Inu-Yasha, Yuyu Hakusho, Fruits Basket (which cartoon Network should get!). I do have one shameful admission to make. I heart Cardcaptors Sakura. I know! I know! It was horribly Americanized. But it was also my first exposure to anime, and I still have a soft spot in my heart for it. Sigh. i do heart anime. why? I cannot say. I like the style, the stories. Basically, I'm just a geek at heart. Big Nerdy Geek Girl. You know you love me.

Things I can do with out

2005-02-26T17:41:00.000-08:00

Now, there are somethings in this world I can do with out. Boyfriends who playfully slap their girlfriend's ass in public. Girl who giggle gleefully when their boyfriends lovingly smack their asses in public. People who point out obvious things and then think that they're being humorous. Case in point. I live in a dorm room. Last semester , My roommate lived their too. We'll call her M_ to avoid an legal hassles. Now, M_ had a TV, and went home over the weekend, which suited me just find. But the point of this little antecedent, is that last semester, I had access to a TV in my room. Now M_ decided to leave the college an d pursue other venues, like McDonald's or Sears, and when she left, she took her TV. Only fitting I suppose. Now, my family has a high risk factor for scitzophrenia, and I don't like long silences. They freak me out. I prefer to be in the company of others, or TV, because well, I feel less crazy. So I spend a good amount of time in the floor lounge. Where there is a TV. What I hate, and what the point to this lovely post is, When people come in and say, "Gee you're always here!" or some variation of the theme. My friends show off the lounge and say jokingly that "this is Laura's suite of rooms, because she's here all the time!" Then i feel guilty about using the lounge. So I retreat back into my room, and sit in the silence until my head feels lie its going toi explode, So then I go back into the longe, and then people say "Gee, you're always here!" or, "You REALLY need to get a TV in your room" Its a visious circle. Me feeling Crazy, to guilt, to me feeling crazy, and back again. I hate that.